02-19-2011

February may be the shortest month of the calendar year, but it can seem to drag on.  Since the winters start early and end after the rest of the country, March really isn’t anything to look forward to.  It’ll still be cold with no anticipation of spring yet.  But on the bright side, the landscape changes almost daily as the snowdrifts shift around, trying to find a place to call home.

Another reason that the second half of the year seems to drag on is because we will have zero school days off until the year is done.  From Christmas break to May 18, we do not have any three-day weekends or a spring break to look forward to.  I do think it is better to push through and have a longer summer break, so I’ll quit bitching for now.

I was offered a contract for next school year and I have signed and turned it in.  Some of the districts up here obviously want to know who’s coming back, so they offer contracts much earlier than most districts elsewhere.  Monica will be joining me here next year, which will make the year much better because I miss her.  It will also mean a more varied diet for me.  I don’t think Monica will want to eat the same three-meal rotation I have right now.  None of them include vegetables, so that part will change for me.  She informs me that coffee can’t be considered a vegetable unless I actually eat it.  I know what you’re thinking, but she said no soup.

I’ve also taken on another job: Jr. High basketball coach.  This is a co-ed team and I have 5 players.  I didn’t start out as the coach because I am taking 6 credits this semester and didn’t have the time.  The coach decided he couldn’t finish the season, so he quit.  That left the team without a coach and me without a team.  We don’t always get along, but I think we’re having fun.  I have found the time and it’s from 5-6:30pm, Monday through Friday.

When I coached high school basketball at Waterville, I had a great mentor in Dick Stoddard.  Unfortunately, Dick is not here, so I’m having to figure things out on my own.  We have a road trip next weekend and the kids are very excited about this.  Marshall is a village that is about 70 miles up the Yukon.  I think traveling to another village is more important to them than the game.  And I don’t blame them.  This gives them the opportunity to spend time in another village and meet other kids.  The teams stay at the school, so they’ll have 36 hrs to run around and eat candy and down energy drinks.  They also think that resting in sleeping bags on the floor of a classroom is fun: I disagree.  I see everyday what happens on a classroom floor. I’m not looking forward to having a pillow as the only barrier between my head and a classroom floor.  I may sleep in the teacher’s chair.  That isn’t really a consolation because I know what can happen in a teacher’s chair.  Of course, not to my chair, but other chairs. 

This trip will help shorten the month for me.  I will be able to make a visit to the store in Marshall so I can get some eggs, potatoes, and onions. This will give me another meal to put into my three-meal rotation, at least for a few weeks.  Until I run out eggs. I suppose I could purchase some fresh vegetables, but I don’t have much room and I have to prioritize.  Plus, potatoes and onions are bonafide vegetables.  The eggs will help supplement my cholesterol plan with the Spam.

02-13-2011

I usually write my blog on Saturday mornings, after a pot of coffee and watching 3 hours of cartoons.  But this weekend was different; we had a basketball tournament at our school.  Alakanuk and Marshall showed up for a two-day set of games.  They didn’t “just” show up, we knew they were coming, so we prepared.  So I’m posting this a day late.  Not that it matters, but at least Monica will know what I’m up to.  That reminds me, I should call her one of these days.

One of my extra duties at the school is doing jobs “as assigned by the principal”.  This means he gives me the "opportunity to gain valuable experience" on the jobs he doesn't want to do. (Plus the authority to use quotations as much as I want.) My valuable experience this weekend was to make sure the tournament ran smoothly. 

I’ve mentioned before in my blog that when teams play, everyone stays at the school since we have no hotels in the villages.  The teams sleep in our classrooms and the kitchen staff comes in to prepare food so everyone can eat.  Things almost turn terrible for the kids this weekend.

There was a potlatch, a Yupik celebration, being held upriver this weekend.  Many people, including our kitchen staff, planned on going to the potlatch.  We were stuck with no kitchen help.  When she made this announcement, the others helping out this weekend nervously looked at me.  And not just because I was showing off my new sock puppets perform a new play I had written.  I knew I had to do something to instill confidence, so I asked the cook where the Spam was.  Now she looked nervously at me, but I think this time it had something to do with the sock puppets.  Luckily for everyone involved, a snowmobile failure meant she couldn’t go.  I know she was disappointed, but the kids were happy that they didn’t have to eat chili and rice for breakfast.  Oh well, there was more for my breakfast.

The tourney went off without any problems.  We were able to play 8 games and I only had to referee one game.  I’ve found there is no quicker way to anger a crowd of people than by putting on a striped shirt and a whistle.  My biggest problem was that I thought it was a dodge ball game for the first three minutes.  Once they explained it was basketball and took my puppets away, the game resumed.  Luckily there were others who could ref the other games and I was once again able to stand in front of the concession stand and tell kids to stop running in the hall.  Yeah, I’m turning into that guy.  One funny and new event for me to witness was one of our players standing in line at the concession stand.  I peeked in the gym to see our team on the court, playing a game.  I looked back at the player (one of my students) wearing his uniform proudly and ordering candy.  Everyone seemed ok with it, even the teacher who smiled and told him good luck as she handed him his candy.  But, I’m not the coach, so I only hoped that I didn’t have a mess to clean up on the court.

I dropped the last team off at the airstrip at 4pm yesterday in -20 degrees temperatures and was finished cleaning up by 5.  I got home in time to watch 3 episodes of the Flying Wild Alaska show on discovery.  That gave me time to mull over my reality show and to ask myself the question everyone has been asking themselves:  Why in the hell are there so many reality shows about cupcakes?  And why isn’t one enough?  Add a sock puppet or two, now you have a show.

02-05-2011

I started watching a new show on Discovery called Flying Wild Alaska.  It follows pilots who fly for a small airline, Era, out of Unalakleet, AK, a village about 90 miles NE from my village.  This airline is one of the two that fly in and out of Nunam Iqua.  In the winter, they are the only ones bringing people, mail, and food to the villages.  As you can tell, this makes them important out here.

That got me thinking; with all of the reality shows going on here in Alaska, maybe they’d have one about Sarah Palin landing airplanes in her Alaska.  Or maybe one could follow teachers at school in rural Alaska.  I’m not sure how Sarah could wedge her way into this one, but I’ll let her figure it out. 

The film crew could follow the daily activities of three new teachers, just learning how to teach in a classroom full of kids.  But on top of that, they will be living in an entirely new culture, one where they become the out-group.  They will have no transportation except their own legs.  They would also be faced with intermittent water and sewer usage.  And in this case, there would be no store to purchase food or any other materials they may find essential.  Need to use the post office?  Try Saturday morning; since that is the only time we can get there when it is open.

You might think this would be a drama, but you would be incorrect.  This would be a comedy reality show, and one without a Snookie or a housewife.  If I’m allowed to be a producer on the show, I’ll try to get one of the Kardashians, but only for ratings.  We also wouldn’t be voting anyone off, because I’m not ready to leave and I know I’d be the first one they’d vote off.  And we won’t have a shirtless weigh-in like Biggest Loser, because I would get voted off after that scene. 

The show would center on the daily life of the three teachers.  The main teacher, a handsome man, in a doughy and balding sort of way, would bring all of his 44 years of wisdom into the classroom.  The two minor teachers in the show will be young and inexperienced in life and in the classroom.  They will be puzzled about some things and have to ask the star of the show to explain.  Questions like: “Why do you always run like a scared rabbit whenever you see a dog?”  (To be honest, it looked just like a wolf.)  “How can you never eat vegetables and still be alive?”  (Grass is a vegetable, cows eat grass, I eat cows; therefore, I eat vegetables.)  “Why do you start to whimper whenever someone walks into your room?”  (Again, it looked just like a wolf.)  They would use their good-humored kidding during lunchtime in the teacher’s lounge, asking the main character to go find a different place to eat or at least use a spoon when eating out of a peanut butter jar.  My good-natured retort would be to wipe my hands on my pants and remind Miss Manners that we’re teachers, not TV stars.  Then I’d chuckle and walk back to my room while the others would do their best to look disgusted. 

This sounds like a no-brainer for the producers of reality television and I’m at a loss as to why I haven’t seen anything like it on TV.  Maybe they’re just waiting for the right opportunity to showcase someone.  And if I’m chosen, I promise that I wouldn’t become big-time and do things like trim my beard weekly or change socks frequently.  I’m also working on another reality show called Janitor Wars.  I don’t have all the details, but I think it will be about janitors.  I’ll keep everyone posted.

01-29-2011

 I don’t know why it takes me so long to see movies that everyone else has seen.  Oh yeah, I’m lazy.  Some will consider being too lazy to participate in an activity where you just sit there and let people act out a story for your entertainment the epitome of laziness.  To them I say that I can fit nine Ho-Hos in my mouth at one time.  That takes time and dedication in order to perform that feat, proving that I am capable of hard work and focus.

When the temperature is 20 below and wind gusts to 40mph, I find it a bit daunting to spend time outside.  Last weekend I stayed home and watched The Shawshank Redemption for the first time.  I am a bit troubled that it took so long for me to finally get around to watching that movie.  It was a great movie.  It also got me thinking about other movies made from Steven King books.  Then I stopped, because I don’t think watching a Steven King marathon in the middle of the dark winter here would have positive affects on one’s mental health.  Plus all of that work, just sitting there, watching movies.

We had a slight cold snap this past week, with only one frozen water pipe at the school that broke.  All of the teacher’s houses pipes were ok, with the exception of one, which was frozen for a short time.  The wind will find nooks and crannies and freeze pipes that had been safe for years.   Our houses sit on stilts so I am glad I have good slippers.  I haven’t had many problems this winter except for one frozen pipe last month.  The furnace may be old, but it keeps the house warm. 

We had a community meeting at the school last week, as we do a few times during the school year.  This meeting is for the community to hear about what we’re doing at the school, and it gives them a chance to talk with the staff and tour the classrooms.  Notes are sent home with the students and placards are posted at the post office and laundry mat.  The meeting was to start at 6pm and at 6:30 we shut the doors after nobody showed up.  This was a disappointment to us, but it does point out the disconnect between the community and the school.  The turnout at our parent/teacher conferences was also disappointing.  I know that at other schools in our district the turnout is much higher, so I know it can be done. 

These kids are tough out here.  Last week it was 20 below zero and kids were still outside playing.  These same kids make it to school on time almost everyday.  I think my attendance rate is around 95%.  Since most of the students don’t have satellite TV, or video games to play at home, they must find school more enjoyable than staying at home.  We’ve had days when it has been a blizzard outside, but the kids are lined up at the outside door, waiting for the 8am opening.  It sure makes my job much easier when they are in school daily and I don’t have to try to catch them up.  I have enough trouble myself keeping up.

I’ve been spared strange dreams this week, so I haven’t had that on my mind.  It is stormy this weekend, so my TV reception is out.  This will give me time to catch up on my podcasts and maybe read a little.  But, I did see that there is a new movie about Navy jet pilots I want to watch.  I think it’s called Top Gun.  If my signal returns I might watch that tonight.

01-22-2011

            Sigmund Freud said that dreams are subconscious wishes to be interpreted.  Dreams of achievement I can see; but what about dreams that I have that are disturbing?  And what if your dream of achievement is also disturbing?  That kind of dream has got to be rough.  Luckily, I don’t have too many disturbing dreams.  Similarly, I don’t have dreams of achievement either; they’re mostly about food.  And me eating it. 

            The other night I had a disturbing dream.  The dream was about myself and a guy who I don’t know.  Oh yeah, and we were fighting two midgets.  I don’t know why we were fighting them, but I was sure angry with one of them.  Maybe he stole a pie I was eating.  He would just keep mocking me and staying just out of me reach.  I remember yelling at him just before I woke up: “Get over here you *&%$#ing midget!”  When I woke up, I was appalled at myself for calling someone a midget.  Not that I was trying to beat him up, but I called him a midget.  I’m not sure why I would have a dream like that, since I don’t find them menacing in any way.  Nor have I met anyone who is a little person.  I did watch Elf recently and I think that might be the root of it all.

            Luckily this dream doesn’t correlate to my job of teaching people who are short in stature and sometimes mock me.  Oh wait….  This was brought up by one of my coworkers.  I scoffed at her hypothesis but was interrupted when I had to chase after a student who took one of my cookies from my desk.  Ok, that scenario didn’t happen, but one of my coworkers did wonder if my dreams were related to my job.  I don’t subscribe to Freud’s school of thought on dreams, so I scoffed her.  I enjoy a good scoffing once in a while. 

            Other than the weird dream, my week went smoothly.  We had parent/teacher conferences this week.  I did not get the turn out I was hoping for, but the kids still keep coming to school, so that is the most important part.  Report cards were sent out and none came back with angry comments.  Since we use a standards based system, our report cards have no grades, but show actual progress in their level standards.

            I’m also starting my schooling again.  I’m taking two classes from UAF to complete my teacher certification in the state of Alaska.  These are both done online, so I don’t have to do any traveling to complete them.  And unlike last time I went to college, I won’t get angry looks for learning in my underwear.  A downside to the classes is that I won’t be able to watch The Biggest Loser.  But as TV programming geniuses would have it, I can watch back-to-back episodes of Man Vs Food instead, so I think it’s a good trade off.  Plus, I won’t feel guilty eating food that some would consider bad for me.  Adam Richmond does not judge, he enjoys.

            Well, I’ve awkwardly tied together a bizarre dream with my uneventful week.  I think my new goal here should be to ramble on about topics that have nothing in common, while pretending that they do.  I have been doing that in my classroom, so I see no problem doing it here.  I don’t think I will bring up my bizarre dream to the class, just in case some of them subscribe to Freud’s thoughts on dreams.  And luckily we won’t have to watch Elf until next year.

             

01-15-2011

The time has come to fill out report cards again.  The first time I did this, I was haunted by memories of my own childhood.  This time as I fill out report cards, I’m anticipate getting to the card of the turd who called me “bald head”.  I applaud his bravado, but I may write something about his lack of effort in his insult. .  I wondered, as a child, if the teachers felt a sense of responsibility about the trauma some of us received after we handed the report card to our parents. 

The kids settled into school pretty quickly from their winter break.  It took me longer to acclimate to the routine of having to put pants on before noon.  None of my students left the village during break, so there were no stories to be told.  They just marched into the classroom and quietly laid their heads on their desks.  I anticipated being a referee to their excitement of being back.  Instead I had to try to keep them from falling asleep. 

One of the students asked me the question everyone was waiting for: “What did you bring us?”  As a teacher, it is my duty to help all of them learn about life.  These young, impressionable minds need to see what life holds for them.  So I confidently stood before them and said, “Nothing”.  They didn’t take it as well as I’d hoped.  Actually, they all kind of turned on me.  I tried to calm them down by explaining that I needed all of my suitcase space for cheese, butter, and meat.  They didn’t care.  Then I tried the tactic of turning it around on them.  I asked them “What did you get me?”  It didn’t work.  I started to panic, because all I saw were 14 wolverines glaring at me, waiting for one more lame excuse.  I inhaled, smiled and bravely said, “We’re going to have popcorn!”  They were fooled by the diversion and I lived to teach another day.

We lost one of our teachers over the winter break.  Well, we didn’t lose him; he just went to Montana and never came back.  This is something that is common out here.  First year teachers will sometimes decide it isn’t worth it and decide to stay home instead of returning.  One of our teachers has been here for 6 years and he said this is the 5^th teacher here to quit during the school year.  It doesn’t take long to climb up the seniority ladder here.

Well, back to the report cards.  I do feel some responsibility about consequences from what I write on the report cards.  Whatever is written on the card is a reflection of how I did my job the last quarter.  If the student didn’t do very well, I have to take some of the responsibility for that.  So I’ll work harder on developing creativity in the classroom, because “bald-head” is just too obvious.  When I was called “Stink-butt” by a kindergartener, I know their teacher swelled with pride.  I just hope Stink-butt wasn’t too obvious.  

01-06-2011

Lazy

–adjective

1.

averse or disinclined to work, activity, or exertion; indolent.

2.

causing idleness or indolence: a hot, lazy afternoon.

3.

slow-moving; sluggish: a lazy stream.

4.

(of a livestock brand) placed on its side instead of upright.

Just to set the record straight, I cut and pasted from Dictionary.com.  Well, I didn’t. I had a student do it for me.  I was going to have him also paste the word ‘apathy’, but it was……  Anyways, my vacation is over and it’s time I get back to whatever this is.

Flying in and out of here can be tricky.  When I flew out of here before Christmas, I barley made it out.  Flights were grounded because of weather, but there was a chartered flight bringing some students home from a boarding school.  My principal was also trying to get to Anchorage, so he was able to get us on the flight by knowing who to call.  One of the teachers was supposed to leave the next day for Hawaii.  She was delayed for three days, so now Aloha has yet another meaning.  But I don’t think they’ll use this one for their new brochures.

I arrived in Anchorage at 9:53pm and arrived at the first airport lounge at 9:58.  Without a word, the bartender pulled the lever and let the amber liquid flow.  Then without a word, he handed it to the waitress who walked to the other end of the room and gave it to some duffus wearing a Yankee’s cap.  Once I remembered how to order a beer (10:01), I was reacquainted with an old friend after 126 days.  At 10:09pm I had to pee.

The trip from Nunam Iqua to Wenatchee took me just under 22 hours, which included circling Wenatchee for an hour waiting for a weather window.  I do understand how lucky I was to leave on time and arrive within one hour of what my ticket said.  Monica recognized me, which made me happy.  I hadn’t had a haircut or shaved since I left, so I was looking a bit unkempt.  And I mean unkempt in a refined way. 

I had a great time during my two weeks home.  The only complaint was that the time seemed to flash by.  And that there were too many people at the Wal-Marts.  And traffic was a problem.  And I ate too much.  Wait, that’s not a complaint, that’s just normal.  I was able to see my family and friends, which is why I came down.  Everyone seemed to agree that two weeks was enough, and that I should head north. 

The trip back to Alaska was very uneventful.  I would even go as far as to say it was pleasant.  I never had more than 1 ½ hours between my three airplane changes, which is something I’ll never see again.  I also had the great fortune to sit in first class from Seattle to Bethel.  A teacher in first class is very unusual, so I thought I’d be out of place.  Turns out that crab boat people enjoy more legroom too.  Scruffy beards and flannel shirts were everywhere, sipping champagne and laughing at the poor people in coach.  Ok, we didn’t have champagne, but I did feel superior because of my proximity to the door.  For once, I got to be the jackass holding everyone up while I put my coat on and struggled to pull my oversized carryon out of the overhead.  I think I can get used to first class, if I didn’t have to pay for it.  I lucked out and only paid an $80 extra fee to upgrade.  Who knew 80 bucks could make a guy feel better than others?

The second half of my first year here is started and it will probably move at the same pace as the first half did: quickly.  It’s hard to believe that the first half is done and no students have been injured.  At least not by me.  I told those kids not to stand that close to the shore.

Absolve

verb (used with object), -solved, -solv·ing.

1.

to free from guilt or blame or their consequences: The court absolved her of guilt in his death.

2.

to set free or release, as from some duty, obligation, or responsibility (usually fol. by from ): to be absolved from one's oath.

3.

to grant pardon for.

4.

Ecclesiastical .

a.

to grant or pronounce remission of sins to.

b.

to remit (a sin) by absolution.

c.

to declare (censure, as excommunication) removed.