Saturday, April 5, 2014

4-5-2014

Since I write this blog about teaching in rural Alaska, people who are wondering about working out here often contact me to ask questions. I decided to share some of these questions with the good people who read my blog. And for people who are wanting to know what it is like to teach up here. These may or may not be real questions asked by real people. 
  • A lady from Springfield asked me what type of conditioner she should use for dry, frizzy hair. (Bear fat, of course.)                                                                                             
  • A young graduate from Harvard asked me if he should continue to date his current girlfriend, even though she has this “unhealthy fascination with stripper poles” while listening to Johnny Cash. (I told him no, and he should send her up this way so I could look at her Johnny Cash collection. I’m a big fan.
  • What is teacher housing like up there? (This varies by village but we don’t live in igloos. The housing I live in was just constructed this past fall, so it is nice. We have two bedroom/two bathrooms. Other places have older units that have troubles with plumbing and keeping the rain out. And no, it is not free rent. Most places have housing built and provided by the school district, who then leases it to the teachers.
    This is a picture of our school and our housing.
    It is very close to each other, in a good way.
  • A retired teacher from Montana asked if we still had to poop in buckets in the morning. (When and where I poop is my business, thank you.)
  • A mortician from New Orleans asked if it is ok to paint his customers’ faces as clowns. (If you don’t make them sad-clown faces. I think that would send the wrong message.)
  • A young man from Dallas asked if it is true that there is no law enforcement in some rural villages. (That is correct. The village I live in has no law enforcement. The Alaska State Troopers have a post about 20 miles away and will usually respond within 3-7  business days.)
  • An elderly lady from the Washington D.C. area asked if I still eat my vegetables. (Mom! Stop hassling me!! We don’t have the opportunity for fresh vegetables out here. Most will freeze on the cargo plane before it reaches our village. And canned vegetables are out of the question. We can get frozen vegetables sent up here, but that would take up valuable freezer space allocated for the bacon supply. So, you can see why we have a limited amount of vegetables.)
  • A duck call manufacturer from Louisiana asked if beards are compulsory for the people up there? (That is a very good question. The answer varies depending on whether or not you can grow one. Women are discouraged, but allowed. Children need written approval from their parents before attempting to grow a beard. Manly men are required and men who are trying to be manly grow one to avoid being pushed around. fyi, using halloween paint does not fool anyone, they only push you around more.)
  • A prince from Nigeria asked if I would send him $2,000 in order for me to receive $1 million from one of my Nigerian relatives. (No)
  • A teacher from Maine asked if it was true that teachers only had to teach for 10 years and they then could collect a large pension. (No. don’t be an idiot. there is no pension for teachers. we pay into a fund, which we get back when we feel there is an adequate amount for us to stop working and begin drinking daily. we also do not pay into social security, so keep that in mind when planning for retirement.)
  • A student from Amsterdam asked what did it mean that most villages were “dry”? (A dry village means that purchasing or possessing alcohol is illegal. that doesn’t mean that there is no alcohol out here, it just means that I don’t have any alcohol out here. I want to repeat that: I don’t have any alcohol out here. so that means that i am on a first name basis with the owner of the liquor store in Jay, Oklahoma during the summer months.)
I hope that answers some of your questions. I may have to revisit this when I get (or think) of new questions. Now, I have to download more Cash from iTunes and begin construction on a new stripper pole. Yes, I said new.

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