Wednesday, January 7, 2015

An open letter to my students.

An open letter to my students. 

Dear My Students,

I realize you are unlikely to respond directly to this letter, given the fact that you don’t have access to my blog. But you will share your concerns daily with me in attempts to sway my favors, so I’m writing this anyway. 

Would the compulsive, atonal whistler please refrain for making that noise? It is very unpleasant. Not only to me but to the others in our class who have the ability to hear sound. I do applaud you on your ventriloquist like ability to do it so nonchalantly that I can’t tell for sure who it is. Plus, your equally amazing ability to deny making noises as to further complicate the distraction. I will find you out.

I would also like to better explain my viewpoint on being treated as a jungle-gym. I DO NOT LIKE IT. Just because my arms are attached to my shoulders is not an invite to begin swinging from them. They are my arms and you are too big. Knock it off.

I would also like to address those of you who are attempting to hone your skills as joke-tellers. For the love of God, keep it concise! The best jokes are the short ones. And have a punchline. That is funny. I, like you, appreciate a joke that contains the words “poop” or “pee”. But it does need to be used appropriately, and there are lines that shouldn’t be crossed. I feel responsible in helping you walk that thin, dangerous line while telling a joke. I will show you how to use those words correctly and for laugh value. Just adding the word “poop” at the end of a sentence does not make it funny. Sometimes it just makes it gross.

Now, pertaining to some of you grabbing things off my desk; keep your grubby paws off my stuff. I know that three-legged horse once belonged to you, but you forfeited possession when you began playing with it instead of doing your reading assignment. As always, you will have the  opportunity to get it back after class. And before you ask, my iPhone is not for you to grab either. And it’s in my pocket. 

On a positive side, after only a few lessons, I appreciate your ability to understand the difference between correlation and causation. 
Correlation: You misplace your pencil >>>Somebody is stealing your pencils.
Causation: You find that piece of gum you dropped on the floor yesterday and put it back into your mouth >> >You need to use the bathroom because you now have diarrhea. 

Crazy River, I secretly enjoy when you take your toy jet out of your pocket and start to tell me about it. Then you realize you are not suppose to have toys out during a non-break time. Then you get a panicked look on your face because you know I am going to confiscate it from you. So you quickly put it back into your pocket and pretend that none of this ever happened. You make my day much more enjoyable. 

And all of you. Thank you for being weird and cool. I like being around weird people, and you guys are weird. I’ve never seen any group of people who enjoy sharing their different bodily odors with others. Weird. You like listening to Red Dirt music with me in class. Cool. You think Mr. Bean invented funny. A little weird, but cool. And you like to run around in circles, either in the gym or in the classroom. Very weird. But you make me laugh each and every day. And I need that.

In the end it all washes out. For every time I get annoyed, you repay me with weird coolness twice. And if you do read this, I expect a three-paragraph essay explaining why the narrator feels the way he does. And give examples!! Just kidding. I think we should just watch another Mr. Bean video and keep being weird.

Clay Miller, 
Your Teacher

p.s. Stop picking your nose. I can see you because you are not invisible. Yes, you with your finger in your nose shaking your head ‘no’.


  1. These kids are so lucky to have you as a teacher and I'm sorta lucky to have at least SOME shared genetic material with you!

  2. Thanks. And your luck depends on what shared genetic material we share.

  3. You are obviously meant to do this, Clay. These kids are blessed to have you. First ones on me in OK this summer.

    1. Thank you Kyle. I look forward to seeing you this summer in the city. But if you think you'll be buying my first drink this summer, you'd better meet me at Humpy's in the airport in Anchorage. That's where it will happen.

  4. Instant Classic... Thanks for sharing, Clay. I love all your posts, but this one I read a few times.

  5. Thanks Sam. You inspired me to reread this and I discovered more than a few sentence and grammatical errors. Thanks for not pointing that out. But seriously, if I have a bat in the cave, please let me know so I can save some dignity.

  6. You have much more patience than I do. I would have exploded at some of this long ago!