Saturday, October 12, 2013


I realize that it has been a month since my last post. I have lots of excuses as to why, but it all boils down to one thing: it’s always someone else’s fault. I feel that it’s important to point the blame fingers in the faces of the guilty. The guilty ones have small faces because they’re children. And I think it’s time we stop sheltering them from accountability. It’s their fault because they take all my time and energy. In this blog, I will point out how trying to protect the children is actually hurting the adults. And yes, I am including myself as an adult here because I can legally drink. Just not where I live now.

First fact about kids that we tend to gloss over is that they are liars. Children lie to me everyday of the week. If I don’t see a child during the weekend, I usually dream about one talking falsehoods to me. Their lies aren’t big, but they’re there. An example:
Me: Who took my pencil?
A child 'claiming' he isn't hanging on the the tire.
Child: (While holding my pencil and       looking straight into my soul) Huh?
Me: Who took my pencil off my desk?
Child: I didn’t take it.
Me: Why are you holding my pencil?
Child: I’m not. This is mine. I got it from  home.    
Me: You got a pencil from home with my name on it?
Child: (Still looking at me) Yes.

Then they become indignant when I take it back, like I just took their lunch money. They’ll fight me a little, but since they are 8 and I’m a bit older, I usually win that tug-o-war. Which brings me to my next point.

They’re grubby. My pencil will come back with little teeth marks on it and some dark stains. Yes, stains. I will watch them wash their hands in the morning. We will stay inside all morning, yet before lunch, their hands are grubby again. I don’t know how this is happening from inside the classroom. I hypothesize that the grubbiness seeps from under the skin layer to the surface. I see no other explanation. And their favorite thing to do with their hands is to touch my beard. I have not had a good ‘thinning of the beard’ in almost 6 months now. There are not many beards out here and I guess they just enjoy the feeling of.......Wait. If their hands were clean but somehow get grubby without going outside.......?  I’ll get back to you on my hand-grubby hypothesis. I may have to tweak it some. (Not twerk.)

Actual proof of students draining energy from room.
So how is it their fault that I haven't written a blog in a month? Well, it just is. Children can usurp energy from adults like a black hole. (Again, I’m including myself as an adult here.) If we need to blame anyone in our country for over-consumption of energy, the judgmental eyes should be staring at the children. Scientific fact: Idling a SUV while watching Titanic on the backseat DVD player consumes less energy than a single eye-roll by a 9 year old. I’ve been unable to write because I’m too tired having energy usurped from me......gotta go. Football is on.

P.S. To future employers: This is a satirical look at children in general. Of course, students at your school would never behave in this manner so you shouldn’t get too excited over the post. 
        To my present employer: This is a satirical look at children in general. So just stay calm and chive. (Whatever that means. I saw it on a T-shirt.)